By Dr Renate Volpe

How often do we hear the expression “Healer heal thyself?”
or “The Teacher teaches in order to learn?”

Well, I consider myself something of an expert in managing personal change, and my field of work specialization is consulting for companies that are going through mergers, acquisitions and transitions.

Recently, I have been irritable one moment, then the next moment I was feeling down in the dumps, and the next moment again, frustrated. No matter how much I told myself to “choose my attitude", to “be grateful” - none of the old tricks which I kept in my personal bag of resilience were working. Was I depressed? Was I burnt out? Was I ill? I felt confused. Generally I am a practical person, who makes decisions clearly and easily. What was going on with me?

A great believer in self help, I went back to the basics. Good time with family and friends, communing with nature, exercise, reviewing my vitamin intake - I even started taking my hormones again. But still inner peace eluded me.

Recently, a colleague was consulting me about a client of theirs who had suffered much loss in their lifetime and been greatly traumatized thereby. Suddenly it hit me! I grabbed a pen and started making a list of the changes in my life that I had experienced over the past 18 months or so.

• My mother in law had died.
• My two dear Alsatians had passed on, one after the other, of old age.
• My husband’s business had nosedived, and any illusions of security I might have had were challenged.
• The economy had impacted my property investments negatively, to say the least, and (approximating semi-retirement) this provoked a huge amount of anxiety for me.
• I had personally made a choice to retreat somewhat from the public profile my work afforded me, and I had decided to restrict myself to some key note speaking, and to focus on the leadership coaching and writing, which I so enjoyed. Having spent a life time being a workaholic and defining myself though work ,this had resulted in a loss of self-esteem, deprived me of consistent intellectual stimulation , and somewhat depleted my sense of purpose in life.
• My close colleague, with whom I had shared an office for over a decade, had taken maternity leave and I was alone in the office.
• I had lost a friend to a violent death.
• My youngest son, who has been blessed with being a soul with “much lightness of being”, had become a first team rower, and as such left the house at dawn and returned at dark - the beginnings of the parental empty nest.
• My mother had become an invalid and now required the caretaking of a young child.

WOW! Some eighteen months that had been! This together with the insidious creep of age, loss of looks and vitality formed a time bomb waiting to explode.

No wonder my emotions were all over the place. I knew intellectually that we as human beings regard all change at an emotional level as LOSS, even if the change is self imposed. I also knew that we go through certain emotions when we experience LOSS and these are:

• Denial – it will go away, or nothing will change.
• Anger – why in heavens name does this have to happen to me?
• Bargaining – well maybe, if I do this or that it will get better.
• Depression – poor, poor little me.
• Acceptance – well ok here we are, so what do we do with what we have?

The relief I felt at this realization was immediate. My emotions calmed down, my head cleared and I literally took a number of deep, deep breaths, feeling able to breathe deeply for the first time in weeks.

Needless to say, I slept peacefully for the first time in a long time.

No, nothing has changed, but at least I understand what a relentless beating I have taken emotionally, and that my swinging moods and fatigue are simply a human response to change.

We expect so much of ourselves. Every time we take an emotional blow, we simply tell ourselves to pick ourselves up, and to move on, and to face life with a courageous smile.

A Buddhist quote that came my way recently said the following:
“There is a pervasive form of contemporary violence... [and that is] activism and overwork. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralises our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.”
Thomas Merton

In essence we disrespect ourselves, and the inability to simply be quiet, and to feel our emotions results in a total disconnection with, and inability to respect, our own life process.

So! If you are feeling, confused, angry, irritable, tired and depressed, why not take a moment to make a list of all the changes you have been through in the last 18 months. Understand that you have experienced these changes as emotional LOSS, and for once, give yourself the time, the respect, to honor the hurt of the loss you have suffered.

Engaging both your emotional intelligence, and your intellect in this manner will bring breath to your soul.

Dr Renate Volpe is a key note speaker, author and leadership coach.

You may e-mail her on Renate@hirs.co.za or call her on 011 455 0769.